One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don’t watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not helpful––ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husband’s feelings and your relationship. According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author ofEvery Day Love, “Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feels battered by life and the outside world. You shouldn’t feel that way at home.” Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant other––and the words that you should try instead.
1. “You’re just like your father.
“This is just a no-no,” says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and author of The Pathway to Love. “It’s nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.” If you’re about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what’s behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband’s habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According to Ford, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: “Hon, when you’re done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink?” That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process. Photo: Shutterstock
2. “When are you going to find a new job?”
First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? “Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are,” says Ford. Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: “Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family,” says Ford, so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issue with how much money he’s making, “it’s an opportunity to talk about your lifestyle and how you want to live,” she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him on the defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want. Photo: Shutterstock
Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you’re doing here is letting him know that there are others in your “camp.” “You are trying to validate your ‘side’ of an argument, as though you’re marshalling an army to your side,” says Orlov. But that’s never a good idea because it’s telling him that you’re not onhis side, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions of others’ dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. “Maybe your mother said ‘he’s too cheap,’” says Orlov. “Say to him, ‘why do you sometimes seem reluctant to spend money on things we need?’” Without ganging up on him, that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from his childhood, for example. “Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving,” says Orlov. And if you’re just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on the root of what’s making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together will make you feel better than unleashing hurtful words. Photo: Shutterstock
4. “Just leave it––I’ll do it myself!
This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband’s elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it’s just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, “I can never do anything right or anything that’ll please her,” says Ford. A better choice is to pick your battles. If he’s in the middle of a task and you think that he’s doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because he’s doing something differently than you would doesn’t mean that he’s doing it wrong—he is, after all, an adult too. Sure, if he’s about to hurt himself or someone else or break something, kindly step in. But if he’s just loading the dishwasher in a way that drives you nuts? Let it be. Photo: Thinkstock
5. “You always... [fill in the blank]” or “You never... [fill in the blank]”
“These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,” says Ford, “because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive.” These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he’ll just fire back with all the times he did help. If there are legitimate problems you’d like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: “When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is usually me.” Then add the phrase “would you be willing...,” suggests Ford. Try: “Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank?” Most men are willing to do most anything that’ll make you happy––it’s all in how you ask. Photo: Shutterstock
6. “Do you really think those pants are flattering?”
Are you trying to hint that he’s putting on weight? Because saying the above, says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that you’re subtly conveying the message, but instead you’re insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something you like about how he looks: “When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes me appreciate your gorgeous blue eyes.” Then broach the topic of his weight gain by framing the comment so it’s about his health, not looks: “Honey, what do you think about us both starting after-dinner walks?” When you’ve softened up your approach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions. Photo: Thinkstock
There’s nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you don’t love—no one says spouses are required to adore each other’s friends, especially that one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frat house. What is wrong is insulting your man’s choice of friends. Your disdain may also suggest that you’d prefer to pick his friends for him—and no one wants to be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: “Oh, honey, you know I don’t always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why don’t you plan a guys’ night instead?’” suggests Ford. Remember, there’s no marriage rule that says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relieved to have a little guy time with his pal that doesn't involve him having to worry if you’re having fun or are offended by his friend’s jokes. (And keep this in mind: If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on his own, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.) Photo: Paul Bradbury / Getty Images
8. “Please watch the kids. But don’t do this, take them here or forget that...”
This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you’re in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). It’s also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you’ve been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn’t pitch in, but you don’t always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. “If he always feels like he’s wrong, he’ll only start to disconnect emotionally.” So let Dad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean, safe and fed—even if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than your own. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the stroller or what the pediatrician’s phone number is, definitely give him the rundown. Photo: Shutterstock
5 Best things to do in your relationship!
1: "Stop all shame, blame, and criticism. Instead ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Men need to feel competent—that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. They like to be told what 'behavior' makes you happy. Since men tend to express affection by doing things, you should interpret their actions as love. When men know what to do and are acknowledged for it, they tend to keep doing it." — Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting the Love You Want
2: "Change from a critical habit of mind, in which you're very involved with your partner's mistakes, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right. Notice one small thing, and express genuine appreciation. That will change your interaction patterns from escalating negativity and criticism to building a culture of appreciation." — John M. Gottman, PhD, author of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
3: "When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you're sorry for what you've said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss—some meaningful gesture of warmth. You pledge to do something that matters to your partner ('From now on, I will…'). And, of course, you stick to that. This whole AAA thing can take two minutes, but in that time you've healed the past, built a bridge to the present, and created hope for your future." — Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of The Weekend Marriage
4: "With books on the market like How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, one of the greatest services you can do for a guy is to reassure him that he doesn't have to make love like a porn star. You can show him how to have sex like a woman: creative, sensual, non-genital-based, and more pleasure- than orgasm-focused. Lead him to an experience that goes beyond his penis and makes him fully engaged—mind, body, and soul." — Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First
5: "All relationships grow a bit stale as time goes by, and the longer-lasting they are, the staler they can get. The best thing you can do is pump in some fresh air. A long weekend in a romantic hideaway would be ideal, but even a few hours in a motel helps. Don't tell anyone where you are, turn off your cell phones, and unplug the TV. When you get home, you'll find your relationship has acquired ruddy cheeks." — Dr. Ruth Westheimer, psychosexual therapist and author of 52 Lessons on Communicating Love
10 Expenses you really dont need!
Overdraft fees. Sign up for low-balance alerts via e-mail, and link your checking account to your savings account to move money as necessary to avoid $35 fees for insufficient funds.
• Checks and postage. Pay your bills electronically instead. You'll also avoid any late fees and black marks on your record if the postal service loses your payment.
• ATM fees. Know where your own bank's ATMs are located, even in other states, so you can save $3 every time you get cash out of the wall. Or consider switching to a bank that offers free ATM usage regardless of which bank's ATM you tap.
• Coin-counting commissions. Save the 5% it can cost you to cash in your nickels and quarters at the supermarket. Coin counting is gratis at hundreds of TD Bank branches in the Northeast, Mid-Atlantic and Florida, whether or not you have an account. (Just pray the machine, called Penny Arcade, isn't down for service. That seems to happen a lot.)
Basic Investing Advice
There are plenty of wise reasons to engage a financial planner or adviser -- but there are also pointless ones. If all you want is help choosing mutual funds, especially if your choices are basic index funds inside a retirement plan, it's silly to fork over as much as 1.5% of your savings each year for someone to run a common software program to do this for you. You can arrange your money among different investments yourself or build a simple portfolio with little effort. Then rebalance every quarter or six months to restore your weightings.
By all means, get an excellent estate planner or an accountant when it's time to think about taxes and bequests. But you don't need help for everything.
Help Applying for Financial Aid
Commercial sites like FAFSA.com will help you complete and submit the important application for student aid for $79.99. But at the U.S. Department of Education's site, www.fafsa.ed.gov, you can fill out the application for free -- with all sorts of guidance on how to assemble the proper personal information.
Pet Care
Pet-sitting is big business these days, with brand names, franchises, uniforms, logos, and even lobbyists and consultants. But if your little guys are healthy, you can save the $50-a-day boarding fee while you're on vacation by asking a responsible neighbor, friend or family member to feed, walk (if needed) and hang out for a bit with your cats and dogs -- provided you volunteer to do the same when they're away. Make sure your helper knows who your vet is, and, obviously, don't be so informal if your animals have health problems that mean you should board them with the doctor.
Insurance on Rental Cars
The rental-car clerk will offer you a collision-damage waiver (sometimes called a loss-damage waiver), which can cost $10 to $20 per day. The CDW shields you if the rental car is damaged or stolen. But as long as the rental is for personal use and you have collision coverage in your own auto-insurance policy, you're covered without the CDW (with the same deductibles that apply to your own car).
Your credit-card benefits supplement your auto coverage. Most cards will pick up your deductible, and premium cards offer beefier coverage. Keep in mind that credit-card protection doesn't include liability. And if you've dropped comprehensive or collision coverage on your policy, the rental car will not be covered if it is stolen or damaged in an accident.
Credit Reports
Don't fall for sites that offer "free" credit reports, which often end up enrolling you in expensive credit-monitoring programs that you usually don't need. You can get a free copy of your credit report from each of the three credit bureaus (Experian, Equifax and TransUnion) once every 12 months at www.annualcreditreport.com. It's a good idea to stagger your reports -- getting a free one from each bureau every four months -- to keep an eye on the status of your credit and spot potential ID theft throughout the year.
Warranties
The other day I bought the snazziest new Samsung smart phone from T-Mobile at the fair price of $249. The sales rep couldn't let me go, however, without asking me to pay $125 more for insurance against me dropping the unit or otherwise ruining it. The cheaper electronics get, the less these warranties make sense. Same's true with appliances. Now, if I could insure the suits I take to the dry cleaners -- or the luggage the airlines throw around -- we might have something to talk about.
Shipping for Online Shopping
At www.FreeShipping.org, you can find coupons and codes to secure free (or deeply discounted) mailing or delivery from hundreds of retailers. Some of these are constant offers as long as you make a minimum order. Others are occasional deals with a limited life. And if there's no cost for mailing, you can't get hit with that mysterious charge for "handling," right?
Water
There are times you'll pay anything for a cold bottle of premium H2O. If you're driving through the desert, riding your bicycle on a hot day or dealing with grimy yellow stuff in your pipes, price is no object. Once while on vacation in Florida, a construction crew accidentally cut the water lines to our residence. Off to Wal-Mart it was -- or we would've been unable to cook, wash or even make coffee for 12 hours. But why pay for bottled water all the time? Is it actually safer? Bottled-water makers aren't required to test their water or make their test results public. And few brands reveal important details about the source of their water and what it contains. Heck, about 25% of bottled water actually comes from the same municipal sources that deliver water to your home.
Spring Cleaning for your Credit Score!!
1. Check Your Credit Report
Any time you're trying to improve your credit score, your first step should be to check your credit report. You can get one free report every 12 months from each of the three credit bureaus (Experian, Equifax and TransUnion) by going to AnnualCreditReport.com. Look closely at each account on your report to make sure that there are no mistakes dragging down your score. Also, make sure that you recognize all of the accounts on your report. Unfamiliar accounts could be a sign of identity theft, though often they are just old accounts that you've forgotten about or accounts for which you are an authorized user but not the primary account holder. Don't panic until you research them further.
2. Assess Your Credit Card Debt
If you don't know the details of your debt, you probably don't have an effective plan for paying it off. Make a list of all the cards that you carry a balance on, how much you owe on each, and what the interest rate is. This way, you'll know which accounts are costing you the most and you can plan to pay them off first.
If you've living off your credit cards because you're unemployed or underemployed, assess your available balances. Also note which cards have lower interest rates and use those for your purchases if possible.
If you added to your debt last Christmas, start thinking now about how you will avoid doing the same thing this year. May isn't too early to plan for the holidays -- you still have time to gradually buy gifts over the course of the year, as you can afford them, or time to save up a holiday fund so you don't have to pay interest on 2011's gifts in 2012 and beyond. A Black Friday deal isn't a deal at 30% APR.
3. Improve Your Interest-Rate Situation
It may not be possible to qualify for a new card with a lower interest rate if you have poor credit, but it might be worth trying. If you do get approved, make sure you understand the balance transfer fees before moving your high-interest debt, and make sure you'll come out ahead even after the fees. Applying for new credit does temporarily ding your credit score, but the savings from lowering your interest rate can be substantial.
You can also try calling your creditors to negotiate a lower interest rate. If that doesn't work, see if you can at least get your card's annual fee waived (if it has one). Develop a strategy before you call because you'll need a way to convince your creditors that there's something in it for them if they give you a break.
4. Prioritize Your High-Interest Debt
Whichever card has the highest interest rate is the one you need to pay off first. Keep paying the minimum on your other cards (and pay on time), and put what you can afford toward your highest-interest balance. The sooner you knock out your high-interest debt, the more money you'll have to work with each month and the easier it will be to work your way through your remaining debts and contribute to your emergency fund.
5. Create a Bill Payment System
Thirty-five percent of your credit score is based on whether you pay your bills on time, so if you want to improve your credit score, getting on top of your due dates is a great place to start. Look at recent bills and add the due dates to your credit card list. Then, use an electronic calendar system like Outlook or an old-fashioned paper calendar to remind yourself of these due dates each and every month. A checking account with online bill pay can also help you get organized by allowing you to see and pay all of your bills in one place. Some online bill payment systems, like Ally Bank's, can be synched up with your other accounts to let you know how much you owe and when it's due.
In addition to hurting your credit score, late payments cost you money. If you avoided just one $30 late fee per month you would save $360 in a year. That's money you could put toward paying down your debt instead of adding to it.
6. Start Budgeting
If you know exactly how much money you have coming in and going out every month, not only are you likely to spend less because you will be holding yourself accountable for your spending, but you'll also know how much you can afford to put toward paying down your credit card debt each month.
The Bottom Line
In the process of improving your credit score, you'll also be improving your overall financial situation. So even if you don't plan to do anything that will require you have an attractive credit score (like open a new credit card account, take out an auto loan or apply for a mortgage), taking these actions will be worthwhile.
___
10 ways you know he's a scrub!
1. He is in "transition." Sistas hate to hear that dreaded word, which translates to unemployed. If a man says he's in "transition" then he has no job and more than likely can't name a profession, skill or trade that he's practiced for more than 3 years, consecutively. If he is an able body and free of felony convictions, he should be working, end of story.
2. He has no means of transportation.
Ladies, if the man has no car, this is more than likely his excuse for not having a job! This will also excuse his need to borrow your whip while you're out working. If your man is driving your car around town from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., then he's probably putting it down in intimate afterhours. Suggestion: Detach, somebody out there can do it better, and he may just have a job and a car.
3. He has trouble explaining/verifying his living situation.
If you've been seeing a guy for more than 90 days and you have yet to be invited his place, you have a bonafide live-in ex situation. Run. Or, if your dude is squatting at various family members pads and can hardly remember where he last left his toothbrush and toiletries, not only is he a scrub, he's a scrub with no direction. Run fast.
4. He has several children with several women.
If your dude has more than two kids with more than two women, this is a problem. No child is a mistake, but these kind of slip-ups should only happen once, MAYBE twice. Otherwise, he's reckless with his seed and you'd be foolish to try and venture down a path of longevity with him. Furthermore, a man with children should NOT have the time to be at your house all day and night, and you should encourage him to be with his babies by any means necessary.
5. He is the sum total of signs 1,2,3 and 4, which is: your man can't get a job because he's secretly dodging back child support payments, still lives with his ex and kids and he can't keep a car because it will end up stripped and vandalized. Run fast, don't look back.
6. He's dropping an album.
Eww. If you're man spends most of his time in the studio rapping about things he's never done and doesn't have, he has to go. If one more dude says he does music and bears no fruits of this labor, other than a beat up chain and party flyers, it'll be too soon. How long has he been dropping this album again?
7. He never takes you out, but "pops bottles" at the club.
If your man goes to the club and pays double what a bottle normally costs for the sake of flossing, then he more than likely wears shades inside the club too, lame. Next.
8. He hollers broke but frequents the booty club.
If your man says he "ain't got no dough" but still finds the cash flow to tip them h*@s, he needs to get his priorities straight. Ladies, buy a stripper pole for the crib; fellas, make it rain at home, problem solved.
9. He hollers broke in designer fabrics.
If the man you're dating rocks premium denims, the latest J's and a fresh line-up, and never has any money to contribute to the bar tab or dinner dates, chances are he didn't buy half of what he's wearing. Now he's trying to cake you. Run away, quickly.
10. He hollers broke, again.
If homeboy says he's running low on cash, but has every video game system with a closet full of cartridges and joysticks to boot, he's not the one. No one wants to completely do away with the testosterone release of Madden, but the line has got be drawn somewhere. His game collection should not be the only small fortune he's acquired.
This is by no means the standard, nor a knock to the brothas out grinding for betterment, but it is a reality that many of us women encounter when sifting through the scrubs to get to her ideal partner. It's not an easy process, but it propels the determination not to settle. As cliché as it sounds, we ultimately want love but just don't know how or where to find it. Maybe we have to come to grips with our weakness for fine men who dress the part and start looking for the "stand-up" guys, but where are they
10 things not to do in an interview
1. Don't be a "smiley face."
Excessive smiling in a job interview is seen for what it is -- nervousness and a lack of confidence. A smiley-face person exudes phoniness, which will quickly be picked up by the interviewer. Instead be thoughtful and pleasant. Smile when there's something to smile about. Do a practice run in front of a mirror or friend.
2. Don't be a small-talker.
Your job is to be knowledgeable about the company for which you're interviewing. Random facts about last night's episode of "Dancing with the Stars" or your favorite blog will not get you the job. Never feel you have to fill an interview with small talk. Find ways to talk about serious subjects related to the industry or company. Pockets of silence are better than padding an interview with random babble.
3. Don't sweat.
You can lose a job by wearing an undershirt or simply a little too much clothing. Sweaty palms or beads on your forehead will not impress. You are not applying to be a personal trainer. Sweat will be seen as a sign of weakness and nervousness. Do a practice run with your job interview outfit in front of friends. The job interview is one place you definitely don't want to be hot.
4. Don't be a road block.
Interviewers are seeking candidates eager to take on challenging projects and jobs. Hesitance and a nay-saying mentality will be as visible as a red tie -- and seen as a negative. Practice saying "yes" to questions about your interest in tasks and work that might normally give you pause.
5. Don't be petty.
Asking the location of the lunchroom or meeting room will clue the interviewer into your lack of preparation and initiative. Prepare. Don't ask questions about routine elements or functions of a company: where stuff is, the size of your cube, and company policy on coffee breaks.
6. Don't be a liar.
Studies show that employees lie frequently in the workplace. Lying won't get you a job. In a job interview even a slight exaggeration is lying. Don't. Never stretch your resume or embellish accomplishments. There's a difference between speaking with a measured confidence and engaging in BS. One lie can ruin your entire interview, and the skilled interviewer will spot the lie and show you the door.
7. Don't be a bad comedian.
Humor tends to be very subjective, and while it may be tempting to lead your interview with a joke you've got to be careful about your material. You probably will know nothing about the sensibilities of your interviewer, let alone what makes them laugh. On the other hand, nothing disarms the tension of a job interview like a little laughter, so you can probably score at least a courtesy chuckle mentioning that it's "perfect weather for a job interview!"
8. Don't be high-maintenance.
If you start talking about the ideal office temperature, the perfect chair for your tricky back, and how the water cooler needs to be filled with imported mineral water, chances are you'll be shown a polite smile and the door, regardless of your qualifications. Nobody hiring today is going to be looking for someone who's going to be finicky about their workspace.
9. Don't be a time-waster.
At every job interview, the prospective hire is given the chance to ask questions. Make yours intelligent, to the point, and watch the person across the desk for visual cues whether you've asked enough. Ask too many questions about off-target matters and you'll be thought of as someone destined to waste the company's resources with insignificant and time-wasting matters.
10. Don't be a switchblade.
Normally the switchblade is thought of a backstabber, often taking credit for someone else's work. In an interview setting, the switchblade can't help but "trash talk" his former employer. If you make it seem like your former workplace was hell on Earth, the person interviewing you might be tempted to call them to find out who was the real devil.
Five things NEVER reveal on Facebook
We all reveal a shocking amount of information to the world on our Facebook pages. And with their questionable new privacy settings, you never know who’s going to be able to see what you post . . . so here are five things you should NEVER reveal.
#1.) YOUR BIRTH DATE AND PLACE. Believe it or not, with this information, identity thieves could predict most . . . or even all . . . of your Social Security number.
#2.) VACATION PLANS. Posting “I’m going to Hawaii!” is a GREAT way to get burglars to your house. So just post photos when you get back instead.
#3.) YOUR HOME ADDRESS. About 40% of people list their home address on social networking sites. And 60% say they have “friends” on those sites that they don’t know personally. That’s a pretty dangerous combo.
#4.) CONFESSIONS. Don’t talk about how you hate your job, that you lie about sick days, or that you smoke reefer. Employers now include Facebook as part of their background checks, and 8% of companies have fired someone over social media.
#5.) PASSWORD HINTS. Your online banking, credit card, 401K and other websites probably had you give a password hint . . . info only you would know. So make sure not to post things like your mother’s maiden name or your first pet’s name on Facebook.
.jpg)
